BryantheRyan.com Challenging conventional wisdom about nutrition, fitness and overall health

My life as a vegan: Anger, hunger and why I hate vegetables

Eight months ago a dark cloud hovered over my view of healthy living.  I refused to eat cheese, milk, eggs, meat and pretty much any cholesterol or saturated fat of any kind. I was a full fledged vegan and proud of it!

Not eating animal products was very difficult in a state (Wisconsin) where cheese curds and whole milk are as abundant as air and water. The most difficult aspect of being a vegan wasn't the constant ridicule by family and friends, no, it was not eating foods that made my taste buds have an orgasm in my mouth.

Let's face it, fatty foods taste frickin awesome and keep us full for long periods of time.

This brings me to the first downfall of being a vegan. Unless a vegan eats ungodly amounts of nuts and olive oil, they will be hungry most of their days.

We all hate being hungry and let me tell you, eating apples and spinach all day filled me up as much as Fat Albert ordering a Happy Meal at McDonalds.

The second shittiest part about eating healthy (in general) is that whole foods ( foods that are not physically altered in any way.  An apple is an apple, a steak is a steak and Doritos closely resemble cardboard with spices) are extremely expensive.*

* Thank you United States Government for financially supporting products such as Mountain Dew, Fritos and Macaroni and Cheese. It is no wonder our country cannot make scales large enough to weigh our own citizens.

When I came out of the closet (as a vegan!) I honestly believed that eating animal products was "unhealthy". I also knew that processed foods were cancer in a bag, so I avoided those as well  (I still do).

By process of elimination I was left with fruits, vegetables, grains, beans, nuts and legumes.

I heard this phrase countless times "If you don't eat chicken, fish, beef, pork, turkey and dairy then what do you eat?" Well I eat everything but chicken, fish, beef, pork, turkey and dairy, duh. There are over 200 kinds of vegetables and fruits available for the US consumer. I had a vast sea of food at my finger tips.

However, I am a tree hugging, dirt eating hippie so I refuse to eat conventionally grown produce. Organic all the way baby!

My food options were again dwindling.

I decided, in my fiber flooded brain, that I would sack up and buy organic vegetables and fruits. Again, I ran into another problem. Surprisingly the Oshkosh grocery store has all of 1/4 of an aisle devoted to organic produce. Spoil me.*

I really need to move to a larger city

I decided to pick my battles and pay a lot of money for certain organic items. Again, by process of elimination I ended up eating these foods almost daily. Seriously.

- Organic Spinach salads. With conventional onions and tomatoes (sue me) and an olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette dressing.

- Organic Apples

-Peanut butter (all natural) and jelly sandwiches. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich everyday for over 6 months. I was addicted.

-Potato, onion and pepper stir fry with Worcestershire sauce. I honestly ate this 4-6 times a week.

- Shit soup. I would make this soup weekly. It includes all the shit that I could find in my cupboards and in my freezer (I'm a poor college student and funds are real tight). Random recipes included: spaghetti sauce, onions, butter beans, garlic, basil and corn...

- For snacks, which ended up turning into small meals, because I was ravishingly hungry, consisted of homemade trail mix. Which included: raisins (not organic, goddammit), sunflower seeds, almonds ,which are super expensive so I stole them and maybe some M&M's if I was feeling edgy.*

*I'm kidding about the almonds

What a life huh? I seriously do not know how I survived eating those foods everyday.

Disclaimer: Somewhere in my genetic code, I have a gene that is called the "eating -the-same-food-everyday-and-being-ok-with-that gene"  it is quite unique and results in a very boring food life.

Despite the fact that I was constantly on the prowl for food, I was constantly being ridiculed by the assholes (family and friends) around me. I would like to apologize to all of those who are close to me for my behavior while I made the switch to vegan, even though you all probably deserved it.

In all honesty I was a self centered, my way or go fu$$ yourself,  humanitarian, "free the animals" lunatic (I still am, just mellowed out a bit).

There was a Miller High Life commercial on TV a while back that portrayed a large man running around stealing Miller High Life from those who were not worthy of "Livin the High Life". Well him and his crew of beer retrievers came across a couple of guys tailgating and cooking Ostrich burgers while drinking High Life. Flabbergasted, the large man proceeded to take all of their High Life and left the poor fellows felling like pampas assholes for not eating "real" meat.

Welcome to my world.

Tailgating turned from a joyful time of eating and drinking to a dreaded event of fessing up and claiming to be the "faggot who's eating the veggie burgers". Followed up by 20 questions of why I would do such a thing. It was comparable to being interrogated for rape.

"Why don't you eat meat?" Well I do not believe it to be healthy for me.

"How don't you eat meat" I do not put it in my mouth.

People seriously became angry at me for not eating meat. I especially enjoyed arguing with fat people. No explanation necessary.

While I'm on the topic of veggie burgers, I must defend them. While I did taste my share of newspaper flavored patties, most of them were actually pretty good. My favorite brand comes from Trader Joes. They are pretty much congealed mashed potatoes with peppers, onions and Indian spices. Whatever, they taste great. Even though I am no longer a vegan I still buy them.

Final Thoughts

Although switching from the American definition of healthy eating to vegan was the hardest thing that I have ever done, I'm glad I did it.

The experience of living a guilt free life was quite liberating. I learned a lot about people and how they react to "them meatless folk". I also gained an immense knowledge of our current food system and the unbelievable horrors that are inflicted on the animals and humans involved in the process.

Also, if I had never become a vegan, then my neighbor would have never called me a "vegetabletarian" which is my new favorite word.

Your (former) vegetabletarian lunatic,

- Ryan